By Olukorede Yishau
When I first knew you, you were Chief Whip. Now, you are House Leader. I was amazed to find out you are a first-class graduate of the Bayero University Kano (BUK). Back then in 2020, you had 27 children from four wives. As a true Moslem, you can’t have more wives but can have as many children as you want and just some days back, one of your beautiful wives had a baby girl. Now, you are the father of 28. What a record to envy. For some of us who have only two children, we have a long way to go to beat your record. I am sure I will fail if I even try so excuse me.
Since the news broke, some funny chaps have said having kids with reckless abandon is not a thing to be proud of. They say even when you need to marry four wives to fulfil your religious obligation, each wife can have one kid each or a maximum of two.
Don’t mind them, Honourable. I admire the fact that you are a man of your words. I can recall that the new addition to your family was a fulfilment of your promise that you would continue counting. You renewed this vow some days back when you said: “I want, by the grace of God and your prayers that the count would continue.”
At 56, I daresay you still have all the time in the world to double the record. For now, your target is to have 30 by next year so that you can appeal to your colleagues to amend the Electoral Act to enable you to have a polling unit in your house.
I will forever remember that you so much love your wives that you once took them to the floor of the House and introduced them gleefully. These beautiful women obviously adore you and with alacrity stood up as you were ordering them to stand up for recognition. They waved at your colleagues and took their seats. They beamed with smiles as the House erupted in shouts and laughter. Your eloquence was admirable and it kept making your colleagues erupt in laughter (though I suspect many of them were being mischievous).
You said and I quote: “Mr Speaker, he began, “I will let you know that with me today here are my four respectable wife (sic). Alim, stand up please, one. Umma, stand up. Binta should stand up… Mr Speaker, honourable members, I asked them to stand here to respect the House on behalf of my family and another reason is to let you know that when members call me a powerful man, I am not only powerful on the floor of the House, I am also powerful at home. These four wives, Mr Speaker, what I meant by asking them to rise up (sic) is to demonstrate to members of the House that when you call me a powerful parliamentarian, I am not only powerful on the floor, I am also powerful at home. I deal with four wives.
“These four wives you are seeing, these four wives you are seeing, Mr Speaker, have produced 27 children for me. These four wives you are seeing have produced 27 kids for me and I am still counting, I am still counting.”
House of Representatives Speaker, Femi Gbajabiamila, was so impressed that he refreshed your memory— despite your protest— that you once confided in him that it took one of your sons to remind you that you were his father. According to Gbajabiamila, you had seen some eight kids playing late in front of your house and you ordered them to go home, only for one of them to ask: “But baba, this is my house”.
Now, that the figures are increasing, mischief-makers wonder if you will be able to remember them all without the help of their mothers.
As you were speaking that day on the floor of the House, some female colleagues of yours, especially from the South, looked stunned. They obviously could not process how in this modern world one man has four wives and close to 30 children and is still counting. They probably also had, at the back of their mind, the claim by a one-time Emir of Kano that polygamy was the problem of the North, where you come from.
In your case, I suspect you have money— plenty of it— to take care of the kids. So, go ye and keep multiplying. It matters not if you cannot recognise all the children. Once you can recognise their mothers, the mothers will identify their children or the children can do that for themselves. The essence of having fewer children is to spend less income on immediate survival needs of food, housing, clothing and education. You do not need to worry about such income-saving measures. Money dey yafunyafun. Great men like you also need not disturb their brains remembering their kids’ birthdays, not to talk of disturbing themselves about going out on a picnic or vacation with them. All that matters is to keep giving their mothers money for their upkeep and to impregnate the mothers to help Nigeria attain that enviable status that beckons. After all, the huge population is an asset for investors. Ask MTN if in doubt.
As someone who has always been in government, either by appointment or election since you finished your national youth service, your bread is well-buttered. My hope—jokes apart— is that you have enough in the vault for your wives to sustain themselves and their kids in case of the unexpected, which we all as mortals have absolutely no control over. We will leave when the time comes whether we like it or not. I am sure you know that as a devout Moslem.
My final take: I hope you (Hon. Hassan Ado Doguwa) have a trust fund for these children you are producing at an alarming rate so that when you reach 101 and leave this world, the children will have something to fall back on. I also hope you are educating them well. Anything short of planning a better tomorrow for them is the wickedness of the highest order.
My best wishes till I write to you another time.
• Yishau is a newspaper columnist and author of’In The Name of Our Father’ and ‘Vaults of Secrets’