OPINION: The parents are not always to be blamed

By Olukorede Yishau

 

Since the news broke that Chidinma Ojukwu, a student of the University of Lagos (UNILAG), killed her older lover, closet sinners have been busy pontificating and offering unsolicited pieces of advice.

I am less concerned about what has been said about the late Usifo Ataga, I am concerned about what has been said about parenting, about how her parents supposedly failed, and about how the fact that she came from a broken home could have contributed to her failure as a human being.

Well, the world over, examples abound to prove that parenting is a tricky thing, very tricky and no one has the perfect formula. All we do is try and hope our kids will turn out well. A few examples will suffice.

My six years in secondary school were spent away from home and from my parents, except on the few occasions we were home for holidays. We were free and many misbehaved: sex, cigarettes and I am sure a few even tried marijuana. We had strict housemasters and housemistresses, but despite that, those who wanted to be bad found a way to be. Our school was surrounded by bushes and many escaped to smoke and do all sorts. Classrooms at night were also dark enough for shenanigans.

As far as our parents were concerned, we were in strict hands and were bound to be of good behaviour, but there were instances when the teachers who were supposed to keep us upright were the ones sleeping with the girls, many of them between 15 and 16 years. and the ones who refused were targets of punishments. At least three of the girls are now wives to their ex-teachers, one even wrote the Senior School Certificate examination pregnant. We only knew when she was delivered of a baby some six months after completing her studies.

There were instances when suspected boyfriends of girls being targeted by some of our young teachers got the beatings of their lives for daring to love what the big men ought to be enjoying. Many who started experimenting with marijuana then have graduated to something worse and are popular on the streets of Lagos Island for the wrong reasons.

Our parents felt we were in a mission school and were bound to turn out well. It didn’t work out well for some.

This thinking that being in a mission school helps is a myth that has been debunked many a time. Students of universities owned by churches, despite all the strict rules, are known to smoke hard drugs, skip school to go party hard on the Island, and have sex uncontrollably. We even saw a sex tape of students from a popular faith-based university some years back.

Some months back, I heard of a girl who attended a faith-based university. Her parents are pastors, her mother considered her fragile and unable to withstand pressure. Her mother was always worried about her because of this. She had more confidence in her younger sister being rugged and capable of taking care of herself. But, this mother really knows nothing of her daughter. The image she presents at home is different from her reality and it all started at the faith-based school, where she learnt to jump the fence and escaped to the Island to party like there is no tomorrow and drink beer, whisky and vodka and any kind of alcohol man has ever made. A pastor close to her could not close his mouth when a friend she interned with and her other colleagues regaled him with her escapades. He kept saying “aah, aah, that small girl”.

I know of a senior colleague who spent his early life in and out of church. His father was a Vicar. He left home and went to the university and, for four years in the university, he dumped his Christianity and avoided church. He rebelled for years. Can we blame his parents for this? Thankfully, he didn’t stray beyond redemption and is now in the service of the Lord, but not many have this second chance.

Some days back, I read a piece credited to an advertising guru. In it, he narrated the nasty paths he and classmates and seniors threaded while in secondary school: sex, drugs, prostitutes, and more. In the university, he became worse and added gambling. While he sobered after starting his career, not a few of his friends in crime found it impossible to retrace their steps.

I know of a family of seven where all the kids were raised by the parents under one roof and two of the kids chose the rough paths, one even embraced cultism. Yet, they were all trained by the same parents. I know of another family of five which one just chose to be the black sheep and while their mother lived, she used to say she scored four over five in parenting.

I will be a liar to say some parents do not deliberately lead their kids astray. We have seen parents who have helped their children cheat in exams, we have seen parents who encouraged their girls to become prostitutes, we have seen parents who direct their children to follow their crooked paths, but we have also seen kids who against all odds turn out exceptionally well in all ramifications despite having crooks for parents, thus proving right the Yoruba adage that the white pap is made from the dark pot.

My final take: There is no signed-sealed-and-delivered parenting manual anywhere. Yes, there are a number of principles that can help, but they are not sacrosanct. The Bible and the Quran contain many of these principles, but even with kids raised with these principles, we have seen exceptions. So, before you heap the blame solely on parents when their kids fail, know that even in the best of homes, there are always some kids who just want to be bad like that.

• Yishau is a newspaper columnist and author.

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